I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
