Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
