Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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