Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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