I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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