you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
