my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
