Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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