I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
