I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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