Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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