no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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