She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
