Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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