this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
