This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
