yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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