Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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