I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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