I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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