Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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