I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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