Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
