I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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