Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
