Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
