is your mom at the bar?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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