I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
