thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
