I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
this just has baby written all over it
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
