Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
