My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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