I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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