why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
