Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
