Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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