I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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