wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
