I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
