We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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