No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
