Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Barsexuality is the new black.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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