im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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