i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
