You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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