She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
