I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
