I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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