Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have fence marks all over my body
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
