I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
